Gone are the days of my youth, the days of chubby cheeked innocence and a naïve soul you could gamble on. I don't miss the chubby cheeked days, in fact I often shutter at the thought of looking at the old me. Mostly because I have a low toleration for pictures of myself and the days of curly-headed ignorance...short hair and me don't go well together. However, many are the times I miss the naïve Maddie. She was not weighed down by the bitterness and grudge ridden years of the girl before you now.
"...you have a courage and feroicty inside of you that I admire."
Get wordy with it
~Best Friend*
Old and new me have always been stubborn and determined. I'm not sure my determinedness has necessarily been a positive always, but it is there nonetheless. The very thing I "demand" of others I struggle with conjuring in my own day to day life. I'm not for certain I demand, per say, that people in my life be vulnerable, but I frequently write a code of ethics in my mind's eye of which honesty, of character namely, ranks extremely high. I admit to having standards that are borderline unattainable, to a ridiculous level in fact.
Perhaps I see my own downfall in the area of being vulnerable and thus so adamantly require it of my friends and family. I test you, I weigh you, I find you wanting, and I don't even tell you. How do you like that for trial by fire?
Putting it lightly and rather ineloquently...being vulnerable sucks. Yet I find myself in this mode of repeat time and again of having opened my heart to someone(s) and being burned again. I let my mind wonder at the many thoughts and schemes of a self-reliant, wall building, "you ain't gonna hurt me" attitude. My efforts go so far as to include the people that love me at my worst, the God who created me, and the people who don't even know how they hurt me. I find it to be further manifested, in those ignorant of my hurt, that I have projected a good deal of my hurt onto their "little" infractions as to render them damned in my eyes. A bleeding heart is want to believe the worst in everyone and every situation that comes across their path.
I hate to toot my horn--or do I?--but this post is of an extreme vulnerable nature. I'm coming clean. That I fall short so often of the character attributes I so fiercely clutch to my bosom, I blind myself and in the end I hurt me and by default I cut the ropes that bind me to an ever forgiving Lord, an eternal lover of this sinner you see before you.
I know I have talked about it before, "a few good men friends" and so therein lies my encouragement for you and for me. From one of my greatest friends and encouragers found in this world...my Mum's advice to me today:
1. Let your vulnerability be sprinkled with love...and mostly this comes from others. The people who mend your broken resolves, after what you feel is one too many times of being open and honest.
2. Turn your hurt over to the Master. This is so hard, I know, but shall we try to do so more...together?
3. Realize you are not exempt. I am not exempt from this unending game of hurting each other, whether knowingly or unknowingly. Once we remember this, maybe we will be more willing to forget our bitter promises to never be real with those around us.
4. Remain loving no matter what. If God (aka the Master of the universe) is big enough to forgive our everyday sins and still love us...I should be able, or try Lord help me, to remain steadfast in my loving nature. More bees with honey and all, right?
“Speak your mind even if your voice shakes.”
~Maggie Kuhn
There are times the notion of letting another person in, another person see the me I might not show everyone else...makes me sick with fear. The wall builder begins to take residence in the background of my mind, ready and waiting. Send the wall builder flying and surprise the hell out of it by remembering you are never alone.
In light of this "heavy" post, today's featured tattoos are of the wordy variety. By no means do I wish to come across as "preachy" or "condemning". I speak from my heart, and often my own words flowing out as a means of comforting others, oddly enough, are the very thing I should be enacting in my own life. Hello kettle?
Get wordy with it
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There will be a pop-quiz (Footnotes):
- *Anna's encouragement from Korea. I'm missing her like crazy.
- Tuneage today, everything Grouplove!
- There is so much "practice what you preach" in this post. Do you think I'll be struck by lightning?
