Monday, September 30, 2013

Mundane Mondays: Idle Hands and All that Jazz

During my first 2 months of retirement -- wait what? I have actually had people approach me and start conversations with the word 'retirement' posed as enthusiasm to my next phase in life. While I believe some meant it as only a harmless question, others not so much. If you mean retirement as the happy place you go after working 30+ years; that nice padding in your bank account and the warm breeze you feel on your face named Hawaii or by all means name your 'poison'. I'm game, when do we leave?!? However, let's be realistic I'm only 25 years old. Rushing time much?

Approaching 2 months of life without the daily grind of a regular ole' 9 to 5 has been an adjustment. I full well believe it will continue to be an up and down, all around kind of ride. I don't do idle well. Ask my Mum, when I'm ill I whine more about sitting around being 'useless' than I do about the actual illness. Okay maybe it's a tie... The point is life without the routine of a job, a change of focus and the freedom* to do nearly anything is a little kid given the key to the candy shop and told to have at it. Overwhelming and perhaps giddy inducing. I am not the most patient person (no laughing) and waiting for direction is not fun.

I've been a part of an ongoing investigation by friends, family and yes your occasional stranger. The investigation?

"Maddie, what are you going to do now?"

"Aren't you bored working at a bookstore all day, all the time?"

"What do you do with all your free time?"

Oh sorry I hit the ignore button. If only it was a socially acceptable practice to randomly slap people, the blurry vision I incur on a given day would be more than worth it. (insert grin)

Focus. Faith. Progress. Thrive. Recover. Regroup. Inspire. Create.
That's my "read between the lines" explanation for what I'm doing now. Do you like it?
. . . . . (silence) . . . . (dumbfounded slightly) . . . . (silence) . . . .
Boring and bookstore do not belong in the same sentence, enough said.
Call it a symptom of the stress or an attention deficit disorder of some sort, but I have long given up the hope of watching TV for long periods of time. So in the interim and post-job life I find ways to occupy my hands while gluing myself to a screen. I get projects accomplished that's for sure! A knitting project moves along in no time while you're devouring Netflix's seven seasons of Bones (true story) or spending your Sunday catching up on Under the Dome (hateful producers that was a ridiculous cliffhanger!).
First on the list of accomplishments for 'all your free time'.
Thank goodness for YouTube. When you don't have the luxury of a knitting shop nearby or a knitting expert go to, your next safest bet is video tutorials. At least video tutorials don't yell at you when you have to ask to be shown again, nor do they get exasperated by you shouting at them to "slow down." I can't show you any of my projects yet. I would really like the people I'm knitting for to be the first viewers. That way when people like my friend Deven, opens her package it is something special and brand new to her. Plus there is Christmas soon and I wouldn't want to ruin that for my family or others. I will have pictures soon though, I promise! In the meantime a picture of some of the pretty (I'm not bragging) yarn I'm getting to work with, courtesy of KnitPicks shopping.
Writing More
Evidence being this post and 2 posts last week. Victory dance!
Pop Culture Catch-up
I'm watching more television than I have watched in years. Bones, Under the Dome and currently Suits. TeTe is trying to convince me to watch Breaking Bad. I said I would trade Downton Abbey for Breaking Bad. Seems fair, right? The verdict is still out. Television is not necessarily important or life changing, but it is one of the ways I'm spending some of my time.
Whether it be more projects, what to write for a novel or endeavoring to make the bookstore better...I'm thinking, so much so it hurts. (insert smile)
Working, never boring and not just reading.
Grand-mum visiting
Usually when my Grand-mum visits I see her the few minutes in the morning before I leave for work and then a couple hours before bed in the evening. It has been a treat to spend 2 weeks with her in the house. I'm here to enjoy her conversation or to just sit in the same room with her, her presence felt and appreciated. When she visits we always go into project mode. We joke that she lives in a sweat shop while she is here. She is our resident quilter and sewing expert. She even crochets...I'm still waiting on my 'request' of crocheted items progress report. I am blessed.
While she has been here my nephews visited. Always special
when the great-grandkids can entertain Grand-mum.
“Do you smoke?
Well, yes, I must admit I smoke.
I am glad to hear it. A man should always have an occupation of some kind. There are far too many idle men in London as it is.”
~Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest
Footnotes (the bare-necessities, ahh see what I did there...)
  • * Well as much freedom as poverty can bring. ;)
  • While writing my ears were listening to Canterbury's Heavy In The Day album.

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Thrive Thursdays: New Regimes, New Masters and New Chapters

[thrahyv] * verb
2. to grow or develop vigorously; flourish: The children thrived in the country.
1. to grow strongly and vigorously 

Hello my old friends! It has been entirely too long between blog posts.

After Tuesday's Dear Boy post I took the time to look over my past posts. I realized a number of things. I miss writing. I miss sharing thoughts and the rush I get when I hit 'Publish'. The days that follow a post are like a little girl waiting at the window for the mailman to arrive with a letter from her best friend. Even if no one comments, watching the view count steadily increase is so exciting!

Reading some of the older posts I could 'hear' how happy I was while writing them. Writing makes me so happy. Among worldly pleasures it has to rank in my top 5. I don't want to mess up or sacrifice a good thing. I have a good thing, my words and me.

The past few several months have brought about big changes for me. We won't plunge into the nitty gritty right now. Although, I should tell you some of my biggest news...I am now unemployed. As of August 2nd I became my own boss. My sole gig is the bookstore and home life. Trust and faith need to get busy, that's for sure!

Today I am introducing a new blog series. We welcome Thrive Thursdays! Often times my blog posts serve a purpose of what I hope is to encourage others walking this road we call life. I need to listen to more of my own advice. This is where Thrive Thursdays come into play. Right now in life I'm like a chicken walking around the yard waiting. I'm stuck between knowing my head is going to be chopped off and my head actually being chopped off...on the brink. In my personal walk I need the encouragement that others can bring.

I want Thrive Thursdays to be a time to share what I am, what we are, doing to stay in a pursuit of growth. What are you doing to thrive, to vigorously FLOURISH? Thriving can be waking up that day. It can be doing the laundry, taking a walk, making the effort to exercise (I know I need to) or reading a good book that you want to tell us about. Perhaps Thursdays will become my Pinterest day and I spend the day cooking everything on my food board or creating all the projects from my craft board (no rainy days needed). Thursdays can be a day that I/you spend encouraging others. So many times I get caught up with my own social networking footprint I forget that other bloggers, tweeters, etc. want just what I'm prowling the web for...recognition and a little "Oi, you there! Yep you! What you just said is brilliant!" (insert big smile) We will play this by ear. I think we all need accountability and encouragement, we all need a method for the means.

Growth is rarely pleasant or fun, but we can try to make the best of it. Right?

Thriving can be meeting new people and best friend maker conversations.

New Chapters are scary. They are unnerving, but they can be so much more! Stay connected here on the blog and other places below. Let's see how we do...together.

Thriving Moments: New Blog Series :)
Footnotes (toe wiggling goodness):
  • Bracelets in new blog series banner are from one my favorite shops/organizations MudLove. Support a great cause and have something awesome to wear.
  • What did I listen to while writing this post? Of course I want to share this with you! New to me: Backseat Goodbye I haven't picked a favorite song yet.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

A Letter to.... Personal, Honest, My Words, My Experience

Dear Boy,

I address you so not to keep you a secret, not to emasculate you or belittle your male pride, not to waylay you with juvenile friendliness that you might sympathize and pity me. No. I pay homage to youth. Our youth.  To the na├»ve people we were years ago before we knew who and what would come later. To the fantasy that I endeavored to nurture despite all odds and to the hope you fed with little nods to your ego and smiled half-truths. Here’s to letting memories guide us, wrong paths, right paths, hurts like hell paths and fun for the moment paths.
I want to fault you for everything. Pass the blame and let the guilt weigh heavy on someone else. I want many things, but most of all I want to know that it wasn’t all in vain. Thus I can’t look at you and think YOU did so much and so little to wrong me.
The idea that a first love would be a first and that there would be a second to follow was foreign to me. Love was meant to be first, always, happily ever after and yes forever. Little girls don’t sit in their room imagining broken hearts, can’t get out of bed days, can’t go on, live on memories and hope for the best days…hope period. I didn’t think to prepare for unrequited love or to even fall so hard that I’m still reeling 3 years later…trying to a find status quo of normal.
“We lost faith in the arms of love.”* That very nearly sums it up.
Honestly? I was foolish. I was knocked over the head, tie me up and drown me foolish. I paid little notice to the signs, to people telling me over and over again, to God, to so many damn notions that loving you was wrong; that investing so much hope in a hero…a hero like you was wrong. You’re a king. A king of freedom, of thrill, of a brilliance no one could dare out shine. I didn’t want to out shine you. I didn’t even want to smother your brilliance. I wanted to join you. Can you blame me?
Never marry a man expecting to change him. That never crossed my mind. People whispered that to me and shouted it my face with their disdain, but I don’t like change. I was along for the ride, wherever it might have taken me. That’s where I think YOU missed out. How often do people know or meet someone so willing to accept the EVERYTHING about another human being? I’d like to think nearly never. Perhaps I’m wrong.
I feel as though I should go in to detail of the me you missed out on by not giving me the dangled in front of my face chance that I so wanted. That feels petty to me. The cards have been played and things are too late for us, for me. In the dark of night sometimes I let my hopes whisper to me still, but I’m learning to put those to sleep in the far recesses of my mind. I need someone else to show me love. I don’t need to show someone else why they should love me.
I need to take the steps to remove you from my life. That scares me. It horrifies me. Am I a fake? Did I give up too easily? Hell no, but I must have the solace that letting go will bring. It worries me. I can’t be confined by it anymore. But change? Remember it scares me. But maybe establishing these threads of thought can serve as a testimony…a eulogy to a first love.
I couldn’t make you love me. Why should I?
I CAN thank you. I’m growing. It has cost me so much and continues to leave scars that I know will be there, if not always, for a long time to come. I can’t settle. You gave me reason to search for a me that was/is hidden behind doubts and conformity driven hypocrites. “Keep your head up. Keep your heart strong. Keep your mind set.”** I’m diversifying. There are so many new things about me. Music tastes, dreams, opinions, the freedom to be, and so much more. You’re not responsible for it all, you are just the catalyst.
I’m thanking you; I’m not knighting you or paving the way for your sainthood. Presumptuous much? Maturity is many things. I believe it is admitting your mistakes, thanking those responsible for your life lessons (ultimately God) and forgiving. Not forgetting, though, that’s too much to ask of anyone.
You broke me; you broke me in too many ways to list. I don’t want or desire to dwell on. I want to trouble you. I want to put a catch in your spirit that causes you to look up one day and think of me. Think of me and wonder what could have been and what you owe me; apologies to fill pages and hours.
I used to think the woman that came to mean something to you in your life needed to endeavor to deserve you. Oh how I shouldered you with so much unearned glory. Now my prayer and hope for that woman is that you endeavor to deserve HER. The vengeful side of me…hopes she causes you to question…to question your existence and why you tore down your walls. To diminish the cocky bastard who bewitches young hearts with his smile.
Hell hath no fury….
I am many things; a lover of symbolic tendencies most certainly. In one month it will be 3 years to the day that hell, hoping, falling, fading, running and so much more began. I will say goodbye then, though I say goodbye to you now with my best weapon…words.
I fought the wolves of patience just to let it lie down.”***

I am not courageous, but I deserve so much more than you gave me,


* The Wolves by Ben Howard
** Keep Your Head Up by Ben Howard
*** These Waters by Ben Howard
Are we noticing a pattern?
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