Tuesday, January 12, 2010

A Threatening Letter. . . .

This letter mysteriously appeared on my pillow this morning. I thought I might share it with you, in hopes of finding the culprit.

Dear Maddie,

You may interpret this as you like, but we fully hope and expect you to read it as hate mail. However, we're sure you can (or else) redeem yourself.

It has come to our attention that you are in breach of contract. The said contract being the promise (okay you say goal we say promise) you made regarding your reading goals for 2010. Oh yes you didn't think we cared or that we didn't pay such close attention to things. May we remind you we are highly intelligent and as ominous as this may sound we are everywhere in your house. We see that look of innocence on your face, pretending you've done nothing to deserve such remonstrations. Hah! Think again! If it were not for your blatant disregard that we're everywhere, well we would being willing to cut (horrid word) you some slack. You left the evidence in plain site, though. Have you caught on yet? Library. . . books. For shame Madelyne, for shame. Not just one either, 3, 3 library books. We also have connections with the library and would have found out eventually had you bothered to be secretive about the books.

We don't stop there. It is altogether a most saddening bit of information that the first 2 books on your reading list for 2010 will not even be from your own shelves. One book you didn't have the decency to get from the library even. No you took it off of someone else's hands and only to read. Why not let every tramp that comes along begging to be read among our midst than. . . hmm?

Have you no mind for what it is like to sit on the shelf day after day collecting dust (I wouldn't recommend collection of said particles, horrible for ones continued upkeep)? To sit between one's comrades to hear the same sorrowful stiff unread pages? Hmm. . . well do you? Oh sure some are lucky they've been read and have formed their sacred monarchy. We scoff at them. . . scoff! Unless of course we may been given the courtesy of joining their ranks (hint, hint, hint).

If it must come to this so be it. We have banded together to send for, no not a loan shark, can you imagine? Loan, really what a dreadful word to a book, such a disgusting use of 4 letters. Shark, we tremble to think what it would do to a book, all those teeth.* We have sent for the adoption papers. We may as well find new homes if you cannot be bothered to do your motherly duty. Read us! Why just the other day we had word from a most respectable person across the ocean who would be quite happy to have one of us. While the prospect of water is frightening, if these are the measures we are to take so be it! With a flower indeed!

Your faithful, honest, beloved, intelligent, handsome,
bona fide (the list could continue for sometime),


P.S. May we also remind you we know all about the Amazon wishlist oh and the Barnes & Noble gift card you are just itching to spend. Mercy of all mercies we hope your viewing of a certain device (the Nook another heinous four letter word) does not lead you down any paths that would warrant our immediate forsaking of all bonds. Be ever so careful!

* We realize this is a situation that a loan shark would not ordinarily be called upon, but to us loan shark equals much pain equals justice served.

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